I fell of the wagon yet again. At the end of June I weighted 186 pounds I celebrated that I have lost 50 pounds since beginning of my diet journey I was happy I believed I could do it and finish it. Today I am back at 206. In 3 months I managed to gain 23 pounds I am discussed with myself right now. I looked so good in my swimwear in June at the sea, I was running each morning alongside the beach, and I managed to run 45 minutes without stopping, something unthinkable in previous years. I was proud of myself.

I know exactly how I did it, I have returned to my previous way of life - junk food, too much sugars, no good proteins and almost no regular exercise. I hate myself for allowing that again. True is that though I liked exercising and the eating healthy part was tolerable I still much rather sit at home watch TV, read books and my perfect dinner is pizza. I kept telling myself that tomorrow I would start again I would go back to the exercising and the diet. I never did.

I canceled my appointments with the dietitian blaming it on fake reasons; I did not want her to see how I failed. I can’t go back there now. I know my colleagues and family have noticed I have gained some of the weight back. They were supporting me so much before; I know they are also disappointed in me.

But today is the day I will really do it again, not tomorrow I am starting right now. I did it before I can do it again. I know what works for me. So wish me luck and strength to do it.

M.     

Vacation time is finally here. Thanks to the financial crisis I will have 7 weeks of vacation over next 3 months some of it unfortunately unpaid but it is vacation, it is about twice as much as my fiancée has so I had to look for alternatives what to do with the time because it would feel like wasting an opportunity if I just stay home. Firstly I’ve decided to treat my 19 year old sister to a vacation with me in Greece, we are leaving next Monday for beautiful island Kos. I love Greece the sea, the history, the people, the food, the scents, just everything, for last 6 years I go there for at least couple weeks annually and there is still so many islands to see. As it is quite close (2, 5 h flight from Prague) and I compromise a lot on accommodation and board, it is quite cheap (no where near US vacation prices, I am not sure how you can guys afford that).

I am looking forward to this one especially because I will get to spend some quality time alone with my sister, now when we are both adults, I think it will be very important for our relationship; we will get to know each other differently. Unfortunately we couldn’t take our other sister with us as she has small babies and needs to stay home with them.My vacation goal is not to put weight on. I know myself, it will be a challenge, I am not sure if I am able to resist the temptations. In order to achieve that I have this action plan:

1. Drink lots of water, to keep my metabolism going

2. No cocktails, no hard liquor shots, no bier, maximum of 2 glasses of white wine per evening (Am I fun or what?)

3.  Stay away from sweets, candy and ice creams, they screw up my sugar level and make me want to eat more

4.  No Moussakas, No fried stuff, No excuses, No exceptions

5.  Eat 5 times a day, lots of low fat diary products and fresh vegetables, for dinner only fish or grilled meat, portion control on high alert

6.  Run, walk, and swim at least 90 minutes a day

7.  Remember there is no Edward Cullen in real life and Robert Pattinson is way too young for you, keep it real Martina

So that’s it.  I am determine to come back weighing at minimum the same weight as now. I hope my sis will not try to jeopardize my action plan. I just can’t wait, will have great time there. I have my music and my books already prepared, sun lotions purchased tomorrow I am getting my nails done.
Greece here I come.

Btw I would almost forget to share my new hair style with you. As of last week I am blonde for the first time in my life (I hope all the fun will start now or is that just another urban myth?). Anyway the first picture is from December 2008, my old hair. The second is from this Saturday when I attended friend’s wedding. His now wife actually did not recognize me we haven’t seen each other for over 8 months, when I came to them to congratulate them after the ceremony she told me “I guess we haven’t been introduced yet” which shocked me as we spend weekend in the countryside together with group of friends and she has seen me on other occasions as well.

Anyway the hair stylist told me I don’t look more then 25 (which dramatically increased her tip); I liked to be lied to sometimes J

I am not sure how to begin to describe how I feel right now. Losing weight has become more about my mind, thoughts and attitudes than about counting the calories and working out; they are by products of the mental processes that are going on in my head now, by products of the decision that I made that have become part of my life.

After almost 7 months on this journey I am confident that I will lose all the weight I need to lose, feeling that way gives my certain piece of mind, I am not perfect I am not 100% faithful to the weight loss plan but I know I will get there eventually. This confidence however opens up lots of grey areas in me.

Lately it feels that with each lost pound I am more and more looking for answers to how I got fat in first place? Why did I allow that to happen to me?

Somewhat I am very angry at myself that I have spend last 7-8 years as this fat person, I can’t say that I was depressed or something like through that entire period, my weight was limiting me but not to the extent that it would overtake my life. I had very good early years in relationship with my men, we traveled lot, I got a great job, finished my degree, my family was always great to me, I have good friends. Looking back on what I wanted when I was eighteen I have it almost all. I am that girl in a nice suit, heals, with good income, great job and soon I will have my 18 year old body back, sadly nobody can take the demaged skin and cellulite back.

With the weight going down I look better everyday, I go out with my friends, looking forward to vacation, I don’t have on my mind that constant worry about how will I look, is the plane seat wide enough, is he gonna leave my for someone thinner, what must people think of me. I mean I still think about these things but much less.

But now comes something I don’t understand. I am not happy; when I felt like this in past I thought it was due to my body. But now I don’t know. I think it has something to do with me turning 30 this year. I don’t know if what I am living the life I should be.   

I know it does not make much sense. I just need to get it out to start thinking about some changes.  

Firstly I would like to say that I am 29 year old, sane, stable, rational, and long over my puberty and I truly did not expect this to happen to me when I downloaded the Twilight movie early in June. I have never intended to see the movie before and also I haven’t heard much about the books before. I thought it was something I am too old for just not my cup of tea, I was always kind of annoyed with the obsession tabloids have with Rob Pattison. But then the movie and the cast won all those MTV awards I said OK I see what is all this fuss about. So I watch the movie on Thursday the 4^th, loved it so much I watched it again the same day, the next day when I got to my office desk I started searching where can I buy the books, in which of the few bookstores in Prague that carry literature in English would have it, they all did, apparently I am last person who have not read them. I placed my online order in order and got this reply email “Your books will be ready for pick up on Monday”. Well that just wasn’t soon enough. So I ditched my colleagues for lunch and went to the bookstore instead off lunch (not good for weight loss I know). They were there!!! I got all four of them and run back to the office (since they weigh like 4 pounds together I am sure I can count that as strength training), for a moment I debated that I could call our group secretary and come up with some imaginary illness so I can home and read but I resisted the temptation. On that evening my niece Sophie had her 1 st birthday and my sister prepared for her this over the top birthday party (considering she was one and will not remember any of it) with a cake half her size (I did not have any), lots of greasy grilled food (I did not have any). I sat there ate my carrots and cheese with reduced fat and I was kind of sad, firstly because I really wanted a bite of that cake, secondly because I have no children of my own for which I could be preparing the over the top parties and dress them up in cute pink dresses and finally I just wanted to be home tuck myself in my blanket and open the first book. Finally when I got home I was too tired to read anything. I got up on Saturday at 6 am and I started reading, loving every minute of it. It was so easy to read, she really captures well the emotions, reading the books makes me feel all the love, hate, pain, sadness and joy. She made me cry several times during the story. This almost does not happen  to me when I am reading books. I got absolutely into them. During the weekend I finished the first one this week it went like this:

8 June - calories 1 119, no workout (I did not go to work I did not feel I spend whole day in bed reading New Moon)

9 June - calories 1 137, no workout (spend whole day in bed reading Eclipse, watched the Twilight movie again for like 4th time in last seven day)

10 June - calories 1 051, no workout (I went to work, than I went home spend all remaining the time reading Eclipse)

11 June - calories 1 077, no workout (work, then home - finished Eclipse, started Breaking Dawn)

12 June - calories 987, no workout (work, then home - reading Breaking Dawn, watched the Twilight movie again)

13 June - calories 1 092, no workout(finished reading Breaking Dawn, watched the Twilight movie again)

14 June - calories 600 so far, no workout (read the Midnight sun partial draft)

So this is how Twilight affected my diet and exercise. Good thing was that all the reading prevented me from, thinking about food cravings but I could not make myself work out, it is kind of difficult to work out while you read. I tried it last Saturday. I was running on treadmill at 9.0 km/h I got dizzy from the letters skipping up and down in front of my eyes.

Anyway time for me to de-twilight and move my ass again next week. I just hope I can do it, it is like obsession now, I have spend hours this week on the web watching clips on youtube with the cast and the author, day dreaming about Rob Pattison, reading up every little detail on the saga, I am scaring my fiancee as he doesn’t get me, wtf I AM NEARLY THIRTY this should not be happening to me. It is very sad. Ok this is it I am done with Twilight I need to function like a normal person again, well at least till the vacation when I will read the books again

It’s been a month since I found this awesome web site and it helped me so much I love reading blogs of other people it to see/read how someone else is doing battling the obesity monster. I am not in it aloneJ. I have regained a strength needed to lose weight here. I feel I can do this I can complete this journey and I will one day weigh in at 149 pounds (I actually weigh in kg so I will weigh in at 68 kg) maybe even less I am getting greedy as it is going so well lately.  Have a nice weekend everyone.

After reading a blog of fellow buddyslimer where she listed all the excercise she has done in May and that she exercised every single day. I said to myself you must do this to, if this girl can, you can, you are also strong you DO IT ! I have been not so faithful to my weight loss plan during April and May (lost only about 8 pounds combined) but June was going to be different. So this is my first week of June. For next week I am planning to increase the time working out to 90 minutes 5 times a week, I will report the results next Sunday.

I dropped 2.5 pounds which is very good, I am returning back to results I get if I am 100% faithful to my meal plan and I add work out now or then. I know I should do some muscle training too, but I really don’t enjoy it. If anyone has some advice how to make them fun share please.

1. June - calories consumed: 966 workout: 60 min. of mixture slow running 8.5 k/h and fast walking 6.5 km/h

2. June - calories consumed: 1 285 workout: 30 min. elliptical moderate level, 30 min.of mixture slow running 9 km/h and fast and uphill 5% incline walking 6.5 km/h

3. June - calories consumed: 1045 workout 50 minutes elliptical moderate level, 10 min. fast walking 6.5 km/h

4. June - calories consumed: 1152 workout: 30 min. elliptical moderate level 30 min.  walking 6 km/h and fast , uphill 9% incline

5. June - calories consumed: 1186

6. June - calories consumed: 1170 workout: 30 min. walking 6.5 km/h and running 9.0 km/h 3 minute intervals, 30 min. elliptical moderate level

7. June  - calories consumed: 1152 (It almost seven pm here, no more food for me today)

How do you girls do it? That you are able to control yourself and weigh yourself just once a week. I am horrible I do it each morning, sometimes when I return from work, sometimes also after I come home from the gym. During one day my weight fluctuates 1-3 pounds, also during the week my weight tends to fluctuates without it actually it meaning I gain or lost fat. I need to stop doing this it drives me crazy, it affects my mood during the day, it is insane. Maybe I should like remove the batteries and have my boyfriend hide them or something.

Let  my start that I love my mum and she is a good person. She had me when she was twenty so age wise we are pretty close and it was never difficult to relate one to another. She was never the disciplinarian always more like my friend. I think I am good daughter that she can be proud off. I have my masters, great job that i am good at, great fiancee, clean record and this September I am taking her for a road trip to Ireland and Scotland, last year we were in London together and had a great time.

But she always had a problem with my weight, I recall her telling me that i need to lose weight when I was 18 y. and I was 137 pounds. I always had curves, they run in our family and she would tell me I should wear something to cover my ass, each time she buys me something to wear it is given to me with a sentence that if it doesn’t fit they have a bigger one we can exchange it. I don’t blame anyone but myself for putting the weight on over my twenties, it was my own doing. But her comments always make me feel bad, she knows it but she still says them we had numerous arguments about them but she still does it makes me be mean to her which i then feel bad about.

As I started losing weight over last 6 months she is very supportive of me, tells me how good I look and so one but then she says things that just make me mad I decided to share some of them with you, they are nothing major the really hurtful ones I keep to myself, these ones just make me laugh.

1. On Friday I went to opera so I thought I was going to wear a bridesmaid dress that i wore to the wedding about 6 years ago, it was in my mums place so she brought it to me. I tried it on, it was actually too lose around the stomach. When she called me to asked me if i wore it, i said I didn’t it did not fit me and she immediately when on  telling me you see you will get there, no mum I got there already the dress was too big and i said good bye and hang up.

2. Last week we went shopping together i was wearing my new pink ballerinas, she told me following: you have nice shoes and you walk in them nicely in your other shoes you often walk as a duck. You see she is good she manages to insult and compliment in one sentence.

Anyway i know those are no real problems i just wanted to bitch a little.

Btw thank you for all the supportive comments on my last entry. You all rock

In the last couple weeks I have lost a few pounds so I thought I will take a picture of me to document the mid way progress, when I started 27 November 2008 I weighted 236 pounds today weight in at 191 pounds so that is 45 pounds loss, I would like to lose additional 45 pounds. Already I feel much better about myself and physically stronger. When I started I wanted to achieve my target weight by 12 September 2009  when i turn 30. I know i will not be able to reach that as the process has slow down in last couple months but I know that on that day I will look and feel much better that I did when I turned 29.

On my last appointment with my dietitian she told me that i need to lose additional 14 pounds to get myself from the health danger zone and anything more I lose after that is just for the looks :)  I hope to to that by the end of July.

Joining this social network has been great to read about your experience with weight loss keeps me motivated and I feel I am not in it alone.

As you can probably tell I am not a native speaker, English is my second language it would be nice to have such support network in my own language in my country but until then I am so grateful for this one.

So here are the picture the better one is as today the fist one is from January at about 220 pounds.